I feel I should apologize for the long lapse between posts, and yet at the same time I know most of you would scold me for doing so. So for those that would scold, pretend I didn’t say that.
I think the reason I have not written is because I have felt completely empty, completely dry, completely abandonded.
Not abandonded by you, but by God.
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? LOOK ON ME AND ANSWER, O LORD MY GOD, GIVE LIGHT TO MY EYES, OR I WILL SLEEP IN DEATH.” (Psalm 13) – David
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt 27) – Jesus
“Where is God? Go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is in vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face…” – CS Lewis (after the death of his wife)
This is where I have been, where I find myself on many of my dark days. I have had no energy to write to you from that place, no courage to confess to you my weak, wavering faith.
As my trial continues on, it is becoming harder, emotionally and physically. As my trial continues I have been distressed to find my resolve weakening, my confidence in God shaking. I do not appear, to myself at least, to be being strengthened by this trial. My faith does not appear to be growing as a result of this testing, but becoming weaker. That embarrases me. I am ashamed.
A few nights ago, at the end of a very difficult day for me, my 4 year old prayed, “And God, thank you for keeping my baby sister Anna safe in heaven, and thank you for keeping Camden’s baby sister Anna safe in heaven.” And I lost it. I wept. Brian helped the boys to bed and I fell on my face on my floor and cried out to God. “God this is too hard! When, when will you restore hope and joy to this family? Why all this sorrow after sorrow? When will you come to deliver? Why do you wait? I know you hear. Why do you not act?”
And yet, in the same breath I can tell you that I see God’s hand at work. I still see Him molding and shaping. Oh what a painful process it is, but He is here. That same night, after I got myself together and was able to stop crying, I went to the boys’ room, having promised Scott a “snuggle” for a few minutes. Camden asked to join us, so I had one sweet boy on each side of me snuggled up against my side. Camden placed his sweet little hand on top of mine, and they each fell asleep beside me. It was such a precious, precious moment. God comforted me through my dear little boys.
A few nights before, I had a special God-moment during a conversation with Camden. At bedtime I had told him I loved him and I was proud of him. He said, “I’m proud of you too, Mommy.” I asked why and he said, “Because you aren’t scared.” I was taken aback, not sure what he meant, and he said, “Like that time when I got sand in my eye and it really hurt. I thought I was going to die and I was scared. But you aren’t scared.” I haven’t talked openly to my boys about not being scared to die. I have no idea where he would have gotten this idea.
Actually, I do.
Because two days before my dear sister-in-law Stephanie had told me, “I know you probably don’t want Camden and Scott to remember these hard days, but I pray that they do. That they remember you and Brian and how brave you were through this time.”
God showed me within 2 days how He was answering Steph’s prayers.
And before that, a friend wrote to me that after reading about my recent intense pain that took me to the emergency room again, she prayed fervently that she could bear my pain, for one night, so that I could sleep well without pain. She wrote me that God heard that prayer and that night she had severe pains that kept her from sleep most of the night, IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE I HAVE HAD MY PAIN. And that night she spoke of, I remember having NO PAIN during that entire night. It was my first pain-free night in several weeks. God is answering.
My father shared with me that he is wrestling too. That there is so much that he also doesn’t understand about this all. And that at times he beats his fists, declaring
“I will NOT LET what I DO NOT UNDERSTAND take away from what I DO understand.”
He physically beats it into his brain as he fights his battle of the mind. As he always does, he encouraged me yet again in my own battle.
Most recently, on a particularly sleepless night, I pulled out my Bible to fight against the surrounding darkness, and decided at random to read from Romans, since that is what our congregation is studying on Sunday mornings. And this is what I read:
Romans 4:!8 and following
“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed, and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead – since he was about a hundred years old- and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”
And then today in the women’s Bible study I was able to attend, the video lesson spoke of God’s ability to do amazing works, and specifically referenced the story of Abraham and Sarah in having a child at old age.”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, I sobbed during the video, because I felt God was speaking directly to me, impressing that story on my heart again.)
You see, I haven’t shared this with you yet, but I believe God has promised me another baby girl. I believe He spoke to my heart in that quiet room during our memorial service with Anna and gave me that promise. It was a sudden, unexpected stirring of my heart, because just the night before I had convinced myself that I NEVER wanted to be pregnant again. So this promise came completely out of the blue. And I believe He confirmed that stirring just 6 days later in an encounter at church that I won’t go into now.
I have believed that He is going to fully erase this cancer. I know that sounds crazy. But that is what I expect to be found with every single scan. I believe I am to be fully restored and have another baby girl. I have faced the fact that my “body is as good as dead” – the 5 year survival rate for Stage IV colon cancer is 7% – but I hope against all hope”.
So you can call me crazy, you can call me strong-willed, you can say I am not accepting the will of God, but I believe He has put this hope inside me. And I am trying to be like Abraham, because I AM fully persuaded that God has power to do what he has promised.
God can do amazing things. His power is limitless. No one can convince me otherwise.
So save your statistics. Save your odds. I don’t trust in them. “Some trust in horses, some trust in chariots,” some trust in doctors, some trust in odds, some trust in scientific research, but I trust in the name of the Lord Our God.
So until my dying breath, I will hope. And though He slay me, yet will I praise Him (Job).
As always I thank you for reading. I thank you for praying.