I am a little too much Mary right now, and not enough Martha.

Oh wait, this is Caringbridge. I feel obligated to update you on the cancer story.

This is why I feel constrained on this site. In this place on the world wide web, I am defined as “The Cancer Patient.” I am the young mother with colon cancer.

But that is not who I am. I am a child of God, temporarily residing in this world, in this time, in this body until I go to my true home, my forever home. So this body has cancer. So? I’m getting rid of it soon!

[Take a pen and make a small, one-inch line on a piece of paper. Now just under it, start another line and draw it all the way to the edge of the paper. Then attach another piece of paper and continue your long line across that whole sheet of paper. Keep adding papers, until your long line stretches across your whole house. The first line, the one-inch line, that represents your life on this earth. The second line represents PART of your eternal life. Do you have a mental picture?]

I truthfully don’t think about the cancer too much these days. I do think about the indescribable things God continues to do all around me and inside of me.
But back to the cancer update, since this is Caringbridge…
I am most happy to report that my days are gloriously mundane.

Gloriously.

I get up, I eat breakfast and fix breakfast for whoever hasn’t eaten yet. I pack lunches, I drive, I go to the grocery store, I pick up toys, I wash clothes, I pick up toys again, I break up wrestling fights that go too far, I clean up spilled milk, I make up beds, I pick up toys, I answer e-mails, I unload the dishwasher and then immediately fill it back up. I pick up toys and I go to bed. I stay up too late looking at Pinterest like many of the rest of you. I pin recipes and crafts that I will never make…

But I digress (which reminds me – I had to laugh at myself again because in my last post I talked about food an awful lot. Clearly I’m enjoying it!)

Here’s what I’d rather talk about.
As I said, I’m a little too Mary these days.

I am falling in love with Jesus.

I want to sit with Him, talking to Him, listening to His Word, ALL THE TIME and I am frankly getting impatient for heaven so I can see Him.

I thought I loved Him before.

I was raised to know Him, raised to pray in His name. Raised to think of His sacrifice during communion. Raised to appreciate His suffering.

But now, now…oh what joy He brings! Oh how I can just see, just SEE Him sitting beside me, holding my hand, smiling at me. I see Him laughing a big, boisterous, tear-inducing, belly-shaking laugh along with me when my little Scott does something funny (which is every day.) I imagine us in heaven, sitting with our feet dipped in the river of life, listening to the birds sing and feeling a cool breeze on our faces, talking and just enjoying the view. I imagine then noticing the holes in his hand and crying, sobbing because He had to do that for me, and Him wrapping His arms around me, wiping away the tears and saying, “Oh, Sara. It was my great joy to suffer for you. You were so, so worth it.”

Sometimes, I stretch my hand out to the side and try to hold His hand. I truly do. I know He is beside me though these eyes can’t see Him. I keep thinking maybe one of these days, for the briefest of seconds, He will allow this earthly skin to feel His own. So far, it hasn’t happened. But I keep my hand there anyway, and just enjoy imagining it. (Try it – it’s pretty fun!)

I have been doing the Beth Moore study “Jesus the One and Only.” I’ve just been working through the workbook on my own, not watching the videos or being in any group discussions. And I am finding that I can’t get enough of Him. [Here’s my recent crazy – Beth had written about her own thoughts of being with Jesus in heaven. And I got jealous. Seriously. I thought, “No, he’s going to be with ME in heaven. Not you. Sorry, sister.”]

Isn’t that ridiculous? I’m so glad Jesus is omnipresent now! And although I don’t think my jealousy was a righteous reaction to what I read, it was also exciting. I’ve never in my life felt that strongly about Jesus before.

I am falling in love.

Nothing in the Beth Moore study has been new to me. I have read stories that I’ve read over and over and over again. But there is something to this Savior. Something about spending this much concentrated time with Him…I can’t help but fall in love. And I can’t help but long to be with Him, truly with Him. I am tired of these earthly eyes that can’t see anything!

If you came to my house, you would see that my Martha side needs to come out. I believe I need a little of both women’s spirits: for Jesus calls us to serve.

Before cancer, I was 100% Martha. Ok, maybe 95% Martha and 5% Mary. A leeeee-tle OCD about cleanliness and organization, and just DOING in general.

Now, I just want to sit at His feet. I feel so precious to Him. Isn’t that crazy? God/Jesus let me get cancer. They have let me suffer. I never would have thought that all of this suffering would bring me closer to my Savior. But then of course it has…Who else can I cling to…

It is late. My brain is shutting down and I clearly can’t make complete sentences anymore. I shall call it a night.

But first, you know I have to thank you again. Father has given me good days, but at least in part in response to your petitions. Thank you for mentioning me to Father, my brothers and sisters.

Lord God and King Jesus,
How I love you. How I long to see you and truly be in your presence. You are love and you are good, and your mercies ARE BRAND SPANKING NEW every morning!!! I praise you with all of my being. Help me, oh help me Father, to reflect your love. Let every act and every thought be an act of gratitude to you, for loving and saving me. I pray for every person who will read these simple words of mine – that they may fall more in love with you, and be ever more convinced of your great, INDESCRIBABLE, PASSIONATE love for them. Thank you for pursuing us all.
In the most beautiful name of Jesus, Amen.