It’s Not Fair

It was an ordinary moment.

You see, the triggers are often hidden in those ordinary moments. We were riding home from a weekend adventure. My mind was wandering aimlessly, contentendly among a variety of thoughts, not stopping for too long on any one subject but peacefully roaming along a number of different lines of thinking. It had been a good weekend and we had savored the moments. I was confident of that. The landmine came very unexpectedly.

I was thinking of my good friend who was to be induced into labor the next day. She was to deliver her third child and my mind began to speculate on the excitement and anticipation she must be feeling on this day. This joyful anticipation of going into the hospital with rounded belly, and coming home with arms full of joy, love, sweet baby smell and perfect baby feet. Meeting this child she had carried for nine months and beginning the process of discovering all the amazing facets to this new little soul, this brand new creation of the Master Artist.

And without warning my mind flitted to comparison, to what I anticipated from time in the hospital this week. I too was anticipating a long hospital visit, but there was no joy in my anticipation, for I was to prepare my body for another battle with cancer. I would enter with belly full of disease, belly not bursting with life ready to unfold, but with dead and dying tissues – necrosis they call it. I would leave with arms empty, and my body holding a little less life-giving blood.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that we were eagerly anticipating our Anna? That I was dreaming of our time in the hospital with her, our first meeting – face to face? That I was fantasizing about showing her off to family and friends who came to see us in that happy maternity ward? How did this happen? How did I skip that part? How did I get here again?

The tears burst through, despite my attempt to hold back the tide. I didn’t want to add memories of a crying mommy onto the end of a fun weekend full of happy family memories; I didn’t want that for my boys. Oh, I let them see me cry from time to time. I want them to know it’s perfectly ok to cry out to God, to let Him see your emotion, to feel those emotions and still come away knowing you trust Him. But not today, let’s end this day on a high note. Just today.

Brian: “What’s wrong?”

“I just got to thinking about K, I just got to thinking about their baby, about how they are going to the hospital tomorrow and coming home with a baby; and I am going to the hospital this week because I have cancer all over my body. ” Keep in mind this sentence took several seconds to get out, as I was crying heavily. Bless his heart for piecing it together.

“It’s just not fair. Oh, Brian, it’s just not fair.”

A pause, tears flowing, body shaking, mind grasping for solid ground through this earthquake of emotion…

He held my hand and quietly said all there was to say. I’m sure I had just torn open a fresh scar for him, made him feel a pain he had only recently managed to bury. How selfish of me but how very much impossible to avoid. For he said: “No, it’s not fair.”

And then a sudden stillness. A sudden sensation of arms wrapped strong around me, a rush of whispered, unintelligible but calming words. 

“I know this feeling too. Let’s talk about unfair.”

It was a whisper, the Still, Small Voice.

Understand it was not sarcastic, not condemning, not angry. Just sympathizing truth.

My Jesus, brutally beaten, bleeding, exhausted, gasping for air, because of my sin. Because of your sin. Because of every human who has lived or who will ever live’s sin. Think of every dispicable, evil act ever perpetrated on this earth. He carried it all on his back.

He drank the full cup of God’s wrath. God’s WRATH: THE. FULL. CUP.

This man, who was Perfect Love. This man who was sinless, blameless, perfect. This man who healed, cast out, raised, fed, created, loved. This man who laughed with children and welcomed them on His lap.

This man was brutally tortured, spit upon, murdered – so I can share in His inheritance. So I do not have to suffer the consequences of my unending selfishness.

And I whine about “unfair.”  

Let’s talk about unfair, my sweet one.

Oh, my Jesus, my loving God,
     Surely your patience and your love for me is unfathomable. Be deaf to them: these selfish words of complaint; for I do not want your perfect, loving ears to hear them. I want only to sing praise, to sing my gratitude. Let that be all that you hear. Not because it is sin for me to bring my hurt to you, but because it is not what you deserve. It is not what my heart of hearts longs to bring to you. I want to pour my life out in gratitude, and gratitude alone, to you.                                                              In the Name of Jesus, Amen

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses… Hebrews 4:15

God took an ordinary moment, and infused an extraordinary truth: “It’s not fair.”  He knows this feeling too. 

 Warning: This is graphic.



Sara Walker



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20 Responses to “It’s Not Fair”

  1. Miranda Cole April 27, 2012 at 6:36 am #

    As I am most certain you do not need or want to take any other pill, I wanted to share that I had a major reaction to an epidural that no one could understand from lumbar injection site up to my eyes. Anyway L Lysiene is a protein/vitamin for skin/lips. That and LOTS of calamine/bendaryl spray helped ease me and soaking in epsom salt baths. Hope and PRAY that this is cleared and cured for you asap!!! (Oh and even diaper rash cream!!!)

    You are my sister in Christ and you are also a STAR sister!!! I have recently changed my hours so I can SAVOR my babies. I now work 3 days and spend the others building blocks/forts, chasing monsters, blowing bubbles and reading books. I say all this to say THANK YOU SARA. YOU taught me to SAVOR. I pray so hard for you. I pray so hard to get rid of my to do lists for my selfish needs. I come in at 7 am now. I was sluggish this morning (have no reason to be) and was not excited about the “challenging patient” I had waiting on me. Well, he cancelled. I was waiting for the QAs to print off and opened my email and found your updates. God knew I needed 20 minutes to wipe tears!!! Thank you for showing us that Life on Earth is NOT fair and thats okay. It WILL get better. Thank you for pouring your heart out to us. Thank you for carrying out God’s will when we all know you dont feel well. Thank you for Being a warrior.

  2. Yolanda Pound April 26, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    Dear Sweet Sara,
    Have been praying for you and your family since the very beginning of your illness. You simply have no idea how much your eloquent and lovely words of truth and faith have meant to me, (and I am sure to thousands of other people). I rejoice with you in each improvement in your condition. In my small wisdom of God’s wonderful word, I’ve read how Satan had to go to God to get permission to sift Job like wheat. God gave His permission, but our Loving Everlasting Father meant it for Job’s good and purification. Job remained steadfast in his faith in God’s goodness and righteousness. I have cried out to the Prince of Peace many times about how suffering or trials in my own life are “so unfair”. However, I take comfort that you, dear Sara, are in the hollow of His hand. Not for a moment would I suggest that your physical suffering or your grief over the loss of precious and beautiful Anna is easy or in any way deserved by you. You and Brian have an extraordinary faith in our Risen Savior. Love and prayers for the four Walkers. I feel like I know you, and I just know you are a great wife, Mother, daughter, sister and friend. It is an honor to be able to read your blog. God has gifted you with a gift for writing about His great LOVE.

  3. Eddie April 26, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    If that’s not inspired writing, then I don’t know what could ever be. My, oh, my. This has served as a vicarious landmine to me. Thanks for the reminder. And encouragement.

    • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

      You are most welcome. Thank you, for the encouragement.

  4. katherine geroy April 26, 2012 at 8:32 am #

    Sara, thank you for writing this, i am very sadddd today because i miscarried my baby at 8 weeks and today i would be 17 weeks, i just don’t understand how i lost my little one, the doctor said i am ok to try again, and it was nothing to do with me, but sometimes i sit and think am i being punished for something, and thats why i lost my little one, its just hard to understand , i am not one that drinks or does drugs, i don’t even like to take headache medicine, so i sit and wonder why me, i just don’t see the lesson, i hear girls talk about doing drugs and pregnant and i’m like why are they able to have a precious child but i can’t have one more baby, i know my time clock has started to come to an end, and who knows if i will be able to get pregnant again, i’m 40 , will be 41 in july, and i can tell my body has changed. please pray that i will find PEACE in all this. thank you for your reasoning and knowledge of my god and jesus thanks again katherine prayers sent your way in all you do, have a blessed day.

    • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

      Satan wants you to get bogged down in the “Why me?” which will probably never be known. Fight him, friend. Arm yourself by drowning out his lies with the eternal words of Truth! You are a precious master creation, the handiwork of God. He takes great delight in you and is big enough to be your burden-bearer. Let Him carry this pain. Saturate your ears, eyes and mind with the hope and love throughout scripture.

  5. r.elliott April 26, 2012 at 7:49 am #

    Oh Sara…how you always leave room for God to come…God understands lament…and He desires to meet us right in the middle of those moments…but oh…how so many times we just close Him out. But not you Sara…you know His voice…and when you hear His whispers you turn quickly to Him. Your heart always lifts mine higher…continued prayers to you~

    • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

      Oh, I hope you are right, because that is my longing -to know His voice, the voice of Shepherd. Thank you for lifting me up too.

  6. Betty April 26, 2012 at 6:57 am #

    No it’s not fair. Bless you, Sara, for reminding us all that Jesus had every reason to get down off the cross ’cause He could but He didn’t. He didn’t because he loved us that much. No, it wasn’t fair but PRAISE GOD He died for us so we might live eternally. You are lifted up every day to our God who can do everything! “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9. May He bless you today.

    • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

      Thank you for speaking this Truth to me boldly, and for asking Him to bless me. He is, abundantly. I hope the same is true for you.

  7. Pam April 25, 2012 at 9:21 pm #

    Sara, thank you for being so transparent. Thank you for bearing your soul to us. Thank you for sharing Jesus with us. Praying for you daily, Sister.

  8. Stephanie April 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

    No, it’s not fair, Sara. I read a Scripture today that really spoke to me, and I can’t get it out of my head. It has brought me great peace and comfort as I have dealt with the “it’s not fair” scenario. It comes from the the 5th chapter of I Peter:

    Be sober and vigilant.
    Your opponent the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion
    looking for someone to devour.
    Resist him, steadfast in faith,
    knowing that your brothers and sisters throughout the world
    undergo the same sufferings.
    The God of all grace
    who called you to his eternal glory through Christ Jesus
    To him be dominion forever. Amen.

    Praying for your healing and peace!

    • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

      Thank you for sharing these eternal words of Truth. I needed them today. More than you know.

  9. Donna High April 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

    Sweet Sara,
    God is speaking to all of us today through your writing. His words flow from His Spirit into your heart and then on to the page with your hand. How true your words are. What Jesus had to do for us was not fair. What has happened to you is not fair. But God is there for us because of Jesus’ willingness to give up his life so we could live for Him and with Him. What an amazing love He has for us all. Thank you for reminding us again of what our gift of salvation cost our Lord Jesus. Still praying and begging for a complete recovery for you and for Jennifer.
    In Him,

    • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

      Yes, I tend to forget that : that our gift came at great, GREAT cost. Thank you for encouraging me, Mrs. Donna.

  10. Dinah April 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm #

    Thank you for reminding me to not get caught up in how your circumstance isn’t fair. Someone asked me the other day, “How do you deal with everything that has happened to your sister?” My reply was, “it’s by the grace of God that my family has made it through the past 16 months.” I then simply said this to her:

    By His Grace, this world is NOT our home.

    That keeps me hopeful. I now pray daily for Jesus to come and take us all Home.

    • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

      I am proof of you for boldly speaking your faith. For boldly declaring it. Yes, Jesus, we can’t wait for the great marriage feast.

      • Sara Walker April 26, 2012 at 9:40 pm #

        That was supposed to say “proud”. 🙂

  11. Julie April 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm #

    Absolutely beautiful Sara! Such a humbling picture of what God has ALREADY done for us. Not a single one of us could ask for another thing. I am praying for you everyday!

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