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New Treatment Update

I know you deserve an update.

I know I have a responsibility, which I created myself, to update this site frequently.

How have I been doing on the new drug?

Fair. Fair to partly cloudy.

Still not as bad as chemo. Not even close.

I have mild nausea occasionally, but no “production” on that front. My old compazine presription keeps it in check well.

My main issue right now is I have no energy. In related news, I also have no appetite. This is a bad combination.

I think you might best get the picture of my state right now if I told you I feel like an empty shell. Imagine if you will, and I know this is a lovely thought, a dirty windowsill, with a dry, crackly fly or beetle carcass just lying there. That si the closest thing to which I could compare myself these days.

My body just wants to lie. I would estimate I am in a horizontal position at least 20 out of every 24 hours, and am sleeping about 15 of those hours. My brain knows this only induces further weakness and fatigue. My brain doesn’t really care. My heart semi-cares, and occasionally makes a bold move to get me up and doing something, when I think about my children. But that isn’t happening often enough.  

“Anorexia” is one of the common side effects of this drug. Yes, eating is about the last thing I care to do. I have tried to analyze why: does it make me nauseous? A bit. I have noted my mouth is strangely dry and every bite I eat is like chewing up cardboard. “Just make yourself eat, why don’t ya?” I don’t know the answer to that. I do try. Sometimes I do try. Every bite is torture. I realize how ungrateful that sounds. Forgive me, Jesus. Do you know this feeling too? Surely you do.

I have resumed taking the anti-depressant again. I was doing so well for so long I had discontinued it. We’ll see if that helps.

We’ve definitely come to the part of the story where the Moses, Aaron, and Hur analogy fits well. I don’t know how much longer I can hold up my arms. Any assistance on that front is appreciated. I know you are trying. I know you are battling fiercely.

I do want to share my shred of hope. My dad found my engagement ring. Maybe some of you forgot you can check my prayer needs here and didn’t realize it had gone missing. It was missing for two and a half days, but I kept praying, believing God could return it to me. My dad found it in the backyard. Yes, it had survived almost 3 days in the backyard, and didn’t get carted off by some bird or animal. Finding it was literally like finding a needle in a haystack. God still hears my prayers. I know He does. In the deep recesses of my dry cracked shell, I know He does. I believe He will heal me yet.  

Forgive my silence. Forgive my dryness. But I must be authentic. It’s the only way I know to be. I know my joy will return. I know this is just a bad stretch of days. I know He’s not done. I hold on, white-knuckled, but I hold.

Sara Walker





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20 Responses to “New Treatment Update”

  1. Missi Sox June 11, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    Good Morning Sara,
    I have missed you. Yes, I thought I had signed up for the email notification ( a couple of times ) but it must not be working. I don’t use the computer very much, only to check email, and I usually remember that I’m missing you when I’m nowhere near the computer. It was such a sweet reminder this morning to get a message from The Walker Run, I had prayed last night for God to help me remember to look up your new site again.
    Even though I haven’t been getting your updates, I still think of you (as if we are close friends) and send up prayers for you, prayers for your boys, and prayers for Brian. As I take a look around your site this morning I see that your faith is still strong and beautiful.
    Hope you have a great week!
    Love, Missi Sox

  2. Miche Ortega May 24, 2012 at 9:36 am #

    Still praying for you every day Sara. Rest precious woman.

    Blessings and love.

    Miche Ortega

  3. Melissa Huddleston May 9, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    Just wanted you to know that I am still praying for you…like you…I believe in miracles. I have experienced them first hand.
    Praying for you…STILL

  4. Sally McMahon May 9, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    Dear Lord Jesus, please bless Sara with all the rest her broken body needs today, and please also bless her heart and soul and mind with all the rest they need, as well. Bless her family to be at peace, and cause her to savor whatever moments she has with them today. Please cause this medication to work effectively and to eradicate the cancer completely, from wherever it is located in her body. Please give her not to fret while she is resting; and let the rest she gets be truly restful. Please grant her spirit to be buoyed up by the prayers of the saints, and please continue to use her talent and her story to glorify Yourself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  5. Shari May 9, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    Sara, I am deeply touched by your authenticity. I believe God gave your ring back to you as a tangible reminder that He is hearing every word of your prayers and ours. And I am going straight to my knees for you after leaving this comment. I can’t pretend to understand why such precious people have to suffer like you are suffering. But I know God is working all things for your good in some way that will be revealed by Him in His time. Keep on trusting, Friend! He is beside you. And many of us, some whom you have never met, care deeply about you and what you’re going through. I have not left comments every time I read simply because it’s hard to know that I’m saying anything worthwhile or choosing the right words. I am well aware that sometimes no words are better than the wrong words.
    Love you … even though I haven’t met you. You are impossible not to love.

  6. Susan Thweatt May 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    I am so thankful you found your ring! My cellphone never showed up so I had to replace it. But I appreciate your prayers 🙂
    When you mentioned Exodus 17, I immediately thought of how they held up his hands, “one on one side and one on the other so that his hands remained steady until sunset”. Call, text or email anytime and I will hold them up anytime until sunset (then I might need a quick nap but will resume my position when I wake up 🙂 Just wanted to make you laugh!
    I am going to pray that your energy and appetite return. I hate that the you aren’t feeling more whole from the new drug. Maybe this is your Job moment…darkest before the dawn?
    I sometimes want to leave you with fortune cookie wisdom, Bible verses, etc But this time, I will just say, “I love you; not as much as God does but close”.

  7. Ann McAlister May 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    I love you, Sara! I’m still praying for every cell of your body to make you well by God’s hand. I’m feeling empathy for you and some sympathy, having been nauseated with chemo before. Thank you SO MUCH for updating us– I feel like it took great effort to do that and I thank you.
    I’ll be praying for your energy now, too!
    Wow– I just read the last three comments others have posted and they say what I want to say, only more eloquently.

  8. Dawn Reaves May 8, 2012 at 6:32 am #

    Praying for renewed strength. Remember that your body is fighting a war and fatigue is a result of war. Hold on and know that you are loved. Let yourself rest. This is the season that you need it.
    In His Love,
    Dawn

  9. GF Tony May 7, 2012 at 11:00 pm #

    Sara, your Faith shines through your words. It is difficult for us to fully share your suffering and anguish yet your descriptions of the effects of this evil illness really do bring us to some understanding…Your words also help us to strengthen our appeals to God on your behalf.. As you struggle daily with the symptoms, giving way to despair at times, {understandably} you still retain in your words, a faith that our Father will see His child safely through this trial…So many folk love and care for you Sara, and your family, that a never ending stream of prayers are going to God on your behalf…We pray also that the proposed trip to your earthly birthplace will proceed as planned, that we will enjoy having you and Brian in our midst….Love and respect are yours, Tony….

  10. Patti Smith May 7, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    I don’t know if you have any idea how much your words affect those of us who read them. I would think that you would expect the words of hope and faith would be uplifting. Do you realize that even your words of despair minister to us? That’s because they are so real. We feel (or maybe I should say I feel) that if someone who has such enormous faith as you can feel despair at times then I don’t feel so bad when I feel it, too. I am blessed by you and I pray God’s blessing on you. I imagine that He looks on you and your situation and wants to rescue you from your trouble (just as you would want to rescue your beloved child). Yet He stays His hand…for reasons that He totally understands but are hidden from us right now. We don’t understand…we cry out …still will trust Him. Thanks you for ALL of your words.

  11. Tracy Brown May 7, 2012 at 11:27 am #

    Bless you sweet lady. Love to you.

  12. Angie May 7, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    Sara,

    I’m still holding you up in prayer (and a picture thousands of us holding your arms up as well). You encourage me to be a better Christian. You have helped me look at my relationship with Jesus in a whole new light. I pray God will give you strength and comfort during these bad days. I pray He gives you good days real soon. Thank you for your “real” posts.

    May God continue to Bless you and your family,
    Angie

  13. Amy May 7, 2012 at 8:50 am #

    Sara,
    Lifting you up in prayer today. Be uplifted by knowing that when we are at our weakest, God is at His strongest. Your light for Jesus is shining so brightly, Sara. God is using you to touch people in such an amazing way. We are called to be fishers of men and I can’t help but see the parallels between a fishing net and a web – in your case, the world wide web – a net God has allowed you to cast far and wide to share what He is doing in your life.
    God Bless,
    Amy

  14. Rachel Pleasant May 7, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    Sara,

    Thank you for posting on a “real” day.

    Your strength is admirable. And, your faith and deep love is a true testimony.

    Thank you for reflecting the Great Love of our Mighty Savior in your life. (On the good days, the in-between days, and the bad days)

    I love you sweet Sara!

    🙂

  15. betty May 7, 2012 at 7:16 am #

    you are lifted up and my prayer is God will return to you an abundant life. you are truly an inspiration and your honesty touches us at our core. may you live, sara, and live abundantly!

  16. T Messick May 7, 2012 at 6:03 am #

    Prayed over you this morning….for supernatural energy, for a mouth that waters, for an appetite that desires good food, for the peace & comfort of the Father to FILL YOU UP! Praying without ceasing from Montgomery!

  17. Sandy May 6, 2012 at 9:46 pm #

    You have made a difference in my life. Thank you Sara, for always being transparent and authentic. It is just who you are! Thank you God for giving Sara such a gift and her willingness to use it! Praying for you always!

  18. Ginger Dawson May 6, 2012 at 7:00 pm #

    Sara, your words are so obviously spirit-filled that I’m sorry you felt the need to explain yourself in your last post. I’m also sorry that you are not feeling as good now. Please take the anti-dep. and do not feel bad about it. Hopefully they will increase your appetite. Milkshakes?
    I pray this new drug is working and we will soon hear about the success. I know it seems like not as many people are commenting on this new site, but please keep writing. We are still reading, and praying and standing watch for you, our Sara.

  19. Mary Beth May 6, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    Thank you for sharing even when you feel so badly. We are praying for you…people who do not even know you but have been continually uplifted by your courage, your boldness, and your sheer love for Jesus. You remind me to look upward when I’m going through my own daily trials. I’m sure you never thought that your words would be on someone’s Pulse favorites so that every time I open my Kindle, I get to read your website. I pray for your strength and endurance through this treatment. Thank you for answering God’s call. I have been blessed by you.

  20. Heather May 6, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    Praying for your grip to be strong and lasting. We are out here cheering for you and of course praying, praying, praying

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