February 4

We continue to be overwhelmed by the generosity and spontaneity of so many of you, and because of that, I have to start by saying the following:

please no one buy me a juicer  (at least not yet.)

I am trying. I am. But I have not successfully KEPT any of it down yet. I hold my nose, drink through a straw, focus on my boys, tell myself it’s apple juice – everything I can think of to get it down. I was SO PROUD of myself for getting down 3 ounces of juiced spinach/apple/lemon yesterday. It was down for about 10 seconds, and then came right back up. Mom told me to cut myself some slack and try it again next week when I’m hopefully not as nauseated from the chemo. I know, that makes a lot of sense. I’m just so stinkin’ competitive and stubborn sometimes, I just wanted to prove I could do it! Clearly, I can’t. Not yet. But honestly, I’m not sure what I can do about it if it won’t stay in once it’s in.  I’ve not given up hope on the juicing yet, but I just do not want a juicer in my home at this point. Seriously, just thinking about it right now could send me straight to the bathroom.

And now another random tidbit I’ve been wanting to share. Ever since we lost Anna I’ve been intrigued with the Job story. I read back through the book in the first few weeks after her birth. I found so much in there that I never realized was there, and so much touched me deeply. And now, since the cancer has been found, I feel such a connection to Job. Though my story is not nearly as devastating as his, I too lost a child and then the attack on my own body began. I have prayed and prayed that this connection is a “sign” from God that I too will have the same “ending” to the story as Job did. “Now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than His beginning…So Job died, old and full of days.” (Job 42:12, 17) This is my constant prayer and hope.
Here’s the neat part: While waiting to be seen at our second visit to Dr. Penley’s office (oncologist), there was one man and his wife in the waiting room. This was the visit where we were to find out the result of the liver biopsy – cancer or not. Many of you were already praying for us, and were covering us in prayer through that visit. So I sign in, go and sit down, and a nurse comes through the door and calls, “Mr. Job?” (pronounced like in the Bible)
Seriously, I just got chills typing that. The man called first was Mr. Job. My dad and I looked at each other, and we both laughed and did a fist bump.

So, now you know at least part of the reason for my confidence in a good outcome for me. I know, I know, it may be “coincidence,” and I know that God has not had the final word yet. I am aware of the other alternative. Yet, I have this confidence that I too will see good days, that God is going to bring about a miracle, and I can’t explain why I feel it.

Now, having said that, I am still struggling. But my struggle is currently fighting the physical battle. I want my deliverance to come now. I want to come out of the valley now. I am tired. I am uncomfortable. I feel weak. I have had minimal side effects thus far I think, in the grand scheme of things, but I have still been in the depths of self-pity over the last several hours. God has shown me that in fact, I am not strong enough. He has shown me that I desperately need His strength to get through.
So, today I read this scripture: “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I have nothing like the faith of Paul. I am taking no pleasure in where I am now. But I am trying to meditate on these words and trust that I will see their truth one day.

So, to summarize how I’m doing:
The pump was removed yesterday afternoon. I’m glad to be rid of it, as it was cumbersome. The nausea is a SMIDGE better since it’s been removed. But I’m still taking anti-nausea meds as often as allowed. I don’t want to eat anything, but I’m trying. I’m expectionally tired and run down, and just don’t feel like doing anything but laying in bed or on the couch. They have told me that should continue to get better and better over the next day or two. But as I mentioned, I’m impatient and want to be better now.

I do have to praise God about one thing today though – I have slept WONDERFULLY the past two nights. I have no doubt many of you prayed specifically for that to happen after the bad night I had Tuesday night, and you need to know that those prayers were answered powerfully!

Love to you all – you bless me so much.


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