I woke up this morning (Hooray! Thank you, my Father!) with a few thoughts churning in my head, and feel like I need to put them to “paper.”
Oh, that poor woman! Imagine, being 33 and being told you have advanced cancer. Imagine the fear of knowing you may not have long to live. Imagine the sadness of looking at your two young sons and thinking you may not get to be around to see them grow up, graduate from school, get married, have kids…etc, etc. Imagine that poor man, thinking he may have to raise those two boys by himself.
I would imagine those are some of the thoughts and possibly conversations among those of you who have heard of our situation. That’s probably the thoughts I would have had if I heard of someone else who was dealing with this. In fact, those are some of the thoughts I had in my first several hours after the emergency room visit. They are the thoughts I have had to battle in my mind periodically since those early days.
But here’s the thing – I could look at any of you and say the same thing.
Ok, that felt a little like, “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Nah, nanny, boo-boo.” Sorry. Don’t take it like that.
But really: It’s not like before I was diagnosed with cancer I had any more guarantee of living to see another day than I did after being diagnosed.
And it’s not like any of you without cancer have any guarantee of living longer than me. Sorry, but you don’t.
I could look at you and say, “Oh you poor 45 yr old. You are going to be killed in a car accident next week.” “Oh you poor 22 year old, you have an undiagnosed heart defect and are going to have a sudden heart attack next time you play basketball.” “Oh, you poor man, you are going to be in a mall where a crazed gunman goes on a rampage and you’ll be in the line of fire.”
Why in the world did I let this diagnosis shake me up so much? None of us know the number of our days. I never have! This is why each day is a GIFT!
Job 14:5 “A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he CANNOT EXCEED.”
Now, my intention here is not to spread fear, but HOPE!
HOPE, my dear friends!!
For when I came face to face with this reality, with my mortality, I realized something.
Actually, I don’t have to die.
Jesus did it already, so I don’t have to.
Actually, this soul is not mortal. It’s immortal.
“Christ Jesus has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.” II Timothy 1:10.
So what am I afraid of?
My soul lives on! It never dies! Sure, this body dies (but I’ve always had compaints about it anyway :)). Sure, there’s some transition into my next body, and I don’t really know how that works, but I’m pretty sure it will be a really cool thing. And my soul doesn’t die during that transition.
Ah, but what about Brian, what about my boys? There’s the rub. This one took me a little longer. But that’s the joy of the family of God!!! All of you have surrounded us with so much love, so much love IN ACTION. I’m not worried about them anymore! You all have shown me that they will be ok.
Sure, I still beg God because I think He desires for children to be raised by a mother and a father. That’s HIS idea. HIS plan. So I still remind Him of that a lot! 🙂 I WANT to be around to see them grow up, and I know HE understands and LOVES that I do! He loves my boys, all 3 of them, more than I do!!
I’m no preacher; I have no training in relating spiritual wisdom. I can only tell you what God has shown me in these last few weeks and how He has given me peace.
Psalm 39:4 “Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is.”
Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
So, just take a minute and think about it. And watch that fear dissipate. Watch HOPE fill you up. If that doesn’t happen, maybe you need to take a closer look at Jesus. Maybe you need to have some more thoughts, maybe talk to someone who istrained in relating spiritual wisdom. Because this HOPE, this FEARLESSNESS, can be there for you too. Remember, I’m ordinary. But Jesus is REAL and HE can give you this hope too!
Have a great day! Thank you, God, that we are all living and breathing today! Help us to make the most of this day today!!