May 23

About an hour ago, I spoke with my oncologist’s nurse, who gave me some information about my scan results. These are almost her exact words:

The scan showed what is known as “a mixed response” to the chemotherapy. This means that it has worked well in some areas, but in other areas it is not doing what it was hoped it would do.”
She indicated that this may mean it is time for a chance in treatment plan – perhaps a different cocktail of chemotherapy drugs.

I am to sit down with Dr. Penley in his office tomorrow and go over the scan results in better detail. So I will know more tomorrow.

This is not terribly surprising information. I was told from the beginning that there are several treatment options (“guns in the toolbelt”) to fight colon cancer and that I would “likely need all of them.”

The trouble I have is that I know the only gun that really matters – the power of The Great Physician. And I know He only needs one bullet. So understanding why He is asking me to wait is what I cannot understand.

I know you’ve told me I’m inspiring; that I have great faith. But I don’t. My faith is so very, very weak. So very, very small. I am so tired and can’t find one inspirational thing to say. I have cried an ocean of tears today, over the last several days. I am worn out. I am discouraged.
This is what I feel:
Psalm 77
I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.

You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?

So now I go to pick up my boys from school. I will take them out for a special treat to celebrate the last day of school. I will hide my anguish as best I can and attempt to be happy, to be content, to trust, to wait. It is such a battle. And I am so tired of the battle. So very, very tired. But I must battle, for them, for my precious, precious boys.

Lord Jesus,
come and take us home soon. This world is not home. I need you. I need you so much. Lord, don’t be still. Show your power to save, to restore. Show the power of prayer, of so many, many prayers. Forgive my weakness, my pitiful faith. Thank you for understanding – for experiencing this same feeling, the feeling of God being so far off. I cling to you and know you know what I feel.
I love you, Jesus. I know you love me, God, and I am trying, trying to trust you.

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