It’s Friday afternoon, June 10th, and I am sitting in my office and updating Caringbridge from my desktop computer. Hooray! A “small” blessing but I am SO thankful to have it up and running again.
I have not started treatment yet because at the beginning of my visit with Dr. Penley on Wednesday, he made me aware of an opportunity to be a part of a clinical trial that is looking at the efficacy of a new antiangiogenesis drug (the Avastin part of my treatment). My case lines up perfectly with their target group for the study, and I will still be getting the same chemotherapy (FOLFOX). So we are in the process of determining if I can be a part of the study. (Translation- Will insurance pay for it? Will baseline testing prove me to be safe to do it? etc, etc)
I will stress that this is NOT:
-starting experimental treatment because my case is so dire.
-a chance for me to make a difference in the goal of improving cancer treatment without sacrificing effective care for my particular cancer.
(Excuse me, I have to go help a little 3 year old cowboy who just swaggered into the office with no shirt on and “Mr. Brown’s” little toy handgun tucked into his pocket. Oh my.)
So, that’s all I know for now. Hopefully I will be able to begin treatment one way or the other next week. I have had increasing upper abdominal pain (in the area of my liver and transverse colon) in the last 10 days or so, which has been very discouraging. Therefore I am anxious to get back in the ring, so to speak, and resume the fight.
But again I am reminded:
Be still. The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.
He is giving me just enough for each day. And He is showing His presence in each day in myriad ways: robins, sunshine, cards from you, texts from you, prayers from you, CB comments from you, ancient words of scripture that speak straight to my soul, the laughter of sweet sons…I could go on.
For those who wish to pray “specifically,” please pray:
1) That the Lord will direct me to the right next treatment step (right “arm” or group of the clinical trial if that works out)
2) That my pains may diminish or continue to be manageable (I am thankful my pain med continues to control the pain at its worst: during the night. I am eternally thankful for the development of percocet! 🙂 )
3) That my CT scan next week (which will be performed as baseline for the clinical trial if I do enter it) will not show any scary level of development over the last 3 weeks.
4) That God will continue to get me through the treatment, without severe side effects that could limit how much chemotherapy they can give me.
Contentment, not comfort. That is what I am to strive for. Ever increasing trust in God for daily provisions. He does not promise comfort. But He promises peace, Presence. This is what I am learning. Trust. Dependence. Contentment. I am weak, but He is strong. When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave His hands. Never. His hands that shape the world are holding me. He is an immovable Rock that neither slumbers nor sleeps. He does not change like shifting shadows, but is the Father of LIGHT, who holds me as the apple of his eye. He rejoices over me with singing. He will turn my weeping into dancing. I sow in tears, but I shall reap joy. These are life-giving words.
And now my chair is shaking, because a squirly 3 year old cowboy is now climbing on it and attempting to spin it. I’m so thankful he still has a mommy to pester. 🙂