Categories: Caring Bridge Journal
I promised I would try and update this site as soon as possible with the results of my CT scan.
Basically, there has been no significant change since my last scan.
Dr. Penley advised me not to be disappointed (but how can I not be, to some extent, knowing what God is capable of and knowing how many are praying?) because he said it was really too early in this treatment regimen to expect a significant change. He said that he would not have ordered a scan yet, but the protocol of the clinical trial required it. He believes it is too soon to give up on this course of treatment. I asked several follow-up questions related to longer term management, etc, and we discussed a few other drugs that are still in “the back pocket” that may prove to be more effective in me, but that as of now we need to continue in this plan and give it more time.
He gave me a copy of the report which I have just now read thoroughly. I was fearful of doing that while in the clinic because I was afraid that I might not be able to keep my composure.
The scan shows that the total number of lesions in my liver remains stable. Several reference lesions that have been measured with each scan have shrunk, and at least one has increased. All increases and decreases are 5 mm or less – which Dr. Penley states is within an error rate of the scan – meaning they are insignificant changes either direction. He felt it overall showed slight improvement, and stated that “at worse, it indicates the cancer is stable.” The word “stable” was used throughout the report.
So am I disappointed? Yes. But not devastated. God continues to show me that I have no control. It is tempting to, and I am probably guilty of somehow thinking I can manipulate God. My brain wants to keep some level of control – if I just believe enough, if I just could pray the right way, if I could just eat enough broccoli, spinach, blueberries and other cancer-fighting foods, if I could just pray the scriptures over myself enough…It is difficult for me and my oldest-child, perfectionist self to handle not “winning” – surely it is something I’m not doing right as to why this is not improving faster. This is part of my battle. But as Brian reminded me last night, God has a plan and it is perfect. I shared with Brian that this is totally rocking what I have always believed about prayer. I KNOW God hears us all, but I don’t understand why it seems He will not be moved, not swayed, not act. And yet at the same time, I have seen so many times how He IS acting – He is giving me supernatural strength to endure, He has worked out the timing of treatments/scans so that we could take family trips and I could take Camden to his first day of kindergarten yesterday. Through you, He encourages me over and over and over again. Many prayers ARE being answered. Just not the “big one” yet.
So I must wait. I m reminded that I am not God. I will thank God that I have today and I will trust Him to take care of tomorrow. I will spend this day watching my children and parents and being thankful for them. I will go to bed tonight and thank God for taking me through this day and I will ask Him to give me tomorrow. I will repeat to myself over and over that I am not alone and that He holds the future.
I do have something else to write about that’s been bugging me lately.
I hope that if this cancer does destroy my earthly body, that no one will announce it with these words:
“Sara Walker LOST HER BATTLE with colon cancer on ——”
I’m sure it’s my competitive side talking, but when I hear that statement, it implies to me that CANCER was the victor. Oh no, sir! My victory is in Jesus and I will be the victor no matter what happens to this temporary earthly body.
So for those who write church announcements, I just ask that you think about how you word that. For ALL Christians are conquerors, all have a final victory. I would rather read:
“_______ went home to his eternal reward after battling cancer…
________ received her crown of LIFE after enduring cancer…
_______ has achieved the ultimate victory over cancer after battling it for years…
_________ has been welcomed into eternal joy after running his race with cancer with endurance…”
Something along those lines.
I heard an old,
How a saviour came
How he gave his life
To save a wretch like me
I heard about
Of his precious blood’s
Then i repented
Of my sin
And won the victory
Oh, victory in jesus,
My saviour forever
He sought me
And he bought me
With his redeeming blood
He loved me
Ere i knew him
And all my love
Is due him
He plunged me to victory
I heard about his
Of his cleansing pow’r
How he made the lame
To walk again
And caused the
Blind to see
And then i cried
Come and heal
My broken spirit”
And somehow jesus
Came and brought
To me the victory
As always, I thank you for your prayers.