Categories: Caring Bridge Journal
My mind has been awhirl again lately with thoughts, ponderings, potential posts. But I continue to fight my constant battle- time management. Every morning I wake I pray that God would lead me, because I truly struggle with what is the best use of my time. I know my boys will only be little for so long, so I don’t want to miss precious time with them. I also know the Christmas tree is not going to take itself down. And then my body seems physically unable to leave the kitchen sink when it is full of dishes or when the nearby kitchen counter is covered in crumbs, stray bits of paper, sticky sippy cups, etc. Well, and we could talk about my online scrabble addiction, but let’s not go there (I love the words “qi and “jo” and I have absolutely no idea what they .mean!)
I realize this plight is not unique to me. We all want more hours in our day, huh? Or many of us wonder if we’re allocating our time appropriately, right?
But here I am today, carving out some writing time.
I suspect that no one is more happy that 2012 has arrived than me. That no one was more thrilled to say goodbye to 2011 than me.
I feel more refreshed by the beginning of this new year than I ever recall feeling in the past. Yes, I still have Stage 4 colon cancer. Yes, I am still undergoing treatment. But I feel good again! I can do normal life things again. I can drive again, be out and about again. And I don’t have to think about “good weeks and bad weeks”. I don’t have to think, well, I know I can’t do anything on that Tuesday because I’ll be down with chemo. Sure, I’m still not guaranteed tomorrow (and neither are you, as we’ve discussed) but I can know for a fact right now that if I am still here, I won’t be getting a chemo infusion.
Today is kind of my birthday. “New Sara’s” birthday, that is. One year ago today I came home from the emergency room, having just found out that I most likely had metatastic cancer all over my liver, though we didn’t know yet where it had started. I came home convinced I had only hours to live. And in a way I did die that day. “Old Sara” died. I couldn’t have foreseen the events that would take place that would totally change everything about the way I look at life, at relationships, at God. I never imagined I would be writing today words that would be read by thousands of individuals. That God would use our story to strengthen the hearts of His people all over the world. I don’t say this to be boastful, except in God. He has done it. All I did was start typing on a website page that my friend set up for me. So “happy birthday to me.” I have a new heart, and I am thankful for that.
I am resolved to live more intentionally this year, or for whatever time I have left. I am resolved to soak up precious moments. I am resolved to spend more time with my Creator. I am resolved to do the fun, special things now, and not wait for a special occasion that I may never see. Perhaps more on my new years’ “goals” (I actually hate to call them resolutions) in a future post…
I want you to know that I don’t take lightly the fact that so many of you take precious time out of your day to read my words. I pray before I type a single word, that God would use what I write to somehow affect your life, your heart in the way He sees fit. What our eyes see, what our minds absorb, affects us for the good or for the bad. What we fill our minds with affects the people we are, what comes out of our hearts, our mouths, etc. So, I pray hard that reading my words is not a waste of time, but that God uses these words for GOOD.
So I want to share that recently I have been struck by two big things:
1. God likes to come in and save the day at the last minute.
I keep thinking He just may not intend to cure my cancer because He hasn’t yet. And that may be true. But it doesn’t have to be.
Brian was reading the story of Daniel in the lions’ den to the boys the other night when this thought first occured to me. Closing the lions’ mouths was pretty much the last (time frame-wise) possible way God could save Daniel. I’m sure Daniel was praying pretty hard for quite awhile for salvation from the lions before He was mid-air on his way into the den. I’m sure in mid-air he thought, well, this may be how it ends. He had probably prayed the king would change his mind. That the law would be changed, that that there would be some malfunction in the lions den entrance, etc. And then I got to thinking about the parting of the Red Sea, the walls of Jericho, the fiery furnace, the starving woman and her son during the time of Elisha (or was it Elijah?) (she was about to make a last cake of bread to eat and then die with her son) about Joseph, about the people Jesus raised from the dead in the New Testament – in every case, it looked like the end. In every case, there were probably “unanswered” prayers for salvation by some other way before God revealed His plan for salvation. Go back and read those stories again. Those people could have easily lost all hope by the time God intervened. In fact, many times it says specifically that they had.
So I hope. I hope against hope. I believe my God can still fully heal me from this disease. And I will believe until my dying breath. He is able, so able. (But you already know this. You keep reminding me!)
2. I will try to keep this short. You all know that verse in Jeremiah we all like to quote. “I know the plans I have for you…” I will sum up:
God’s plans: 1- prosperity, 2- hope, 3- future. Say that again, God’s plans: prosperity, hope, future.
Hooray – those are my plans too!! God is GOOD.
Here’s to a GREAT 2012!